Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
