I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
