Little spoons don't ask big questions
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Can you bring me the toilet please
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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