I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
