I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
