my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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