My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
