Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
