I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize