I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
