Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
