The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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