I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
