Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
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