worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You made out with two different species that night
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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