dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
