mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
