2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
