i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
