Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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