well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
