Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
