My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
