He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
