I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
