So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
