ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
