I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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