That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
