my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
