No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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