My girlfriend figured out who you are.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
