then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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