I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
