i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
