haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize