Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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