I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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