I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize