Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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