Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
