just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
