hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
