i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
