Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
