I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
