Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
