Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
