I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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