The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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