Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
