Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Randomize
