I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
