Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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