Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize