Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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