I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
