farters have to be the big spoon...
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize