i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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