Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
